Confident, Not Happy
Well, that doesn’t sound quite right! Of course, I want students – all people – to be happy.
But when I work with young adults, it’s not with the intention of their finding happiness. Being happy – whatever that means to them at any given time -- is important, but so is being unhappy. The distinction between being happy and unhappy helps us recognize and appreciate the variations in experiences and feelings we have and learn how to manage the ups and downs. And there will be downs. Feeling unhappy (less than happy?) is inevitable. So, when I work with students, I don’t encourage them to do all the things that they think will make them happy. Instead, I support them as they experience both happiness and unhappiness and help them develop a tool kit for navigating the bumps, swerves, and setbacks on the road between them.
An essential tool is confidence, the belief that one can make judgments and decisions, and act, in alignment with their goals. Significantly, confidence doesn’t imply that we always make aligned decisions, just that we make can make decisions without the paralyzing fear of making a wrong decision. When we have confidence, we can recognize and engage with opportunities as they arise, and we can make choices, we can take advantage of those that take us in positive directions, and we can recover from those that take us down unwelcome or unhelpful roads. Confidence doesn’t always lead to happiness, for sure, but it may be associated with greater happiness insofar as it makes it possible to find.*
Alas, the confident – not the happy – undergrad! My goal is to support young adults as they make decisions in their lives, decisions that they believe are best for them. They will make choices that make them feel happy, and they will make choices that make them feel unhappy. With the disclaimer that there are important exceptions, both sets of choices are positive when they are THEIR choices, and they learn from them what worked and what didn’t work. I don’t evaluate or judge, I listen and ask questions. I want to hear from them about their experiences so that they learn how to think about and articulate for themselves what they want and don’t want. The process is challenging, and it encourages them to develop and continue building the self-reliance they require to navigate the certain hurdles, disappointments, and failings in the lives they create for themselves.
*There’s scholarly work on happiness, including its relationship to confidence. I’m avoiding it because I don’t want to wear my social scientist hat in this space! This is a coaching blog, not a research paper. Happy to provide citations for those interested, or you can Google.